Monday, October 25, 2010

5 Places I should be able to drink a beer (or 7)

This weekend was a complete eye opener for me.  Not only did I get a gold medal in flip cup. (which they do make by the way) My mind was opened to the idea that I should be able to display my Olympic-style skills everywhere.  This is a problem for most places because of these crazy alcohol laws. These keep me from drinking in a lot of places that I feel that my humanly rights should grant me.  Well, if I was a politician I would push America towards its well earned progressive state and make these following places completely legal to get plastered.

The Grocery Store

Probably the most obvious one on the list.  Lots of businesses (esp Vegas Casinos) know that you are far more likely to buy things when you're sloshed than being sober.  Those guys make millions and millions of dollars every year because of you're stupid drunk decisions.  Its evident to me that if I was staggering around a grocery store with a beer ***That I bought there*** I would be buying almost everything in sight.  
"Captain Morgan and Captain Crunch are ready for mutiny!"   

-Doing your shopping without knowing it
-Meeting girls at the Grocery Store would be a different ballgame
-Riding around in shopping carts would be fun again

-Buying lots of unnecessary items
-Vomit in the aisles
-Sleeping in a shopping cart is not comfortable

The Gym

I get a lot of criticism for this one, but you really need to look at the facts here.  How many times has a Friday Night come up and if you're not interested in going to the bar you aren't sure where to go??? (For me lots, probably because I've been kicked out of that bar.)  So why not go to the gym? Here you can do fun drunk activities with your friends, check out girls working out and throw that muscular guy who smells like taint into the pool.  Imagine the drinking games, you could play here while losing the calories that you just drank.  
"Who needs Spin Class when you always feel like you're spinning?"

-Telling people you're at the gym 5 days a week
-Personal Training would involve shots of Tequila
-Dressing up to go out is now shorts and a new t-shirt.

-Accidentally signed up for a yoga class
-Pissing off a lot of people bigger than you
-Dehydration and possibly death


I'm all about trying to find God (or whichever religion you're into) but do you really need to do this sober.  Most of the time I end up finding the people I wanna see most completely tanked ***Sorry about the drunk dials mom*** Last time I was at church they pulled a 180 on me by giving me a sip of wine and some cracker.  When I asked for a glass and some more crackers, I was given dirty looks and hit on the ass with a ruler (which I liked).  Isn't Sunday supposed to be a day of rest anyways? Let's give a toast to our gods and watch some football afterwards! 
"I bet Jesus would have some really cool bar tricks up his sleeve" 

-Going to church just became mandatory for the family
-God is now your hommie
-Singing songs becomes instantly more fun

-Urinating in the Holy Water
-Sleeping in church just became much easier
-If you're too belligerent, people think you've been possessed by the devil


I truly think that this is possibly the worst place in the history of the world. I meet the worst smelling people stand in the longest lines and there is not a single reason they can't play play some sort of music in this place.  The only possible way I can think of to make this place better would be to allow me the simple pleasure of getting sloshed enough to forget that I was ever here.  
"DMV - Does Make (Me) Vomit"

-Speech is slurred enough to get a Handicapped Tag
-Crazy persons' advice makes sense
-Your license picture is Awesome!

-Failed Driving Test 8 Times 
-Does Not mask the smell
-Still standing in the wrong line

Hometown Buffet 

Flipping from the worst, we now move on to the best.  Seriously, what is better than a Hometown Buffet.  Miles of all the food you can eat and anything you can think of on the menu.  Anything, except my buddy Samuel Adams. Why is he not invited to this party?? Can you think of anything more amazing than an all you can eat, all you can drink extravaganza?? Is this what heaven is? Because heaven is about 8 and a half minutes from my house.
"MMMMMmmmm, Just like my mom never made!"

-Never needing anything again
-Vomiting is welcome
-Best date restaurant EVER!

-Never able to leave
-The cutest girl you meet weighs in at 235

Oh well, maybe someday right? Can't we all have a dream? Martin Luther King did!  
Did I miss anything??? Let me know below. Or feel free to follow me on Twitter @IbizaMitch 

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