Saturday, October 30, 2010

Why are the dead talking to me!?

Its Halloween everyone, which means all the Tranys here in Hollywood are confused and think that the world is on their side.  Its the one time you can dress like Lady Gaga and party like Charlie Sheen. (aka Lindsay Lohan)  Yep, its an amazing time of year for all! Except me! 

Now with all these crazy tranys, furries, and slutty girls costumes how could I not enjoy this time of year??

Since I was 20 I've had an odd gift, ability, disability, etc. (I think you get the point) 

My gift was the ability to see what Dead Celebrities would actually Twitter.  I know this sounds crazy, but when you grow up next to an Asian sweatshop these things just tend to happen. I just can't keep this stuff to myself anymore so I thought I'd share with you my favorite dead celebrity twitters.


"Brett Favre just gave a whole new definition to the term Dirty Dancing" 

"Ahhh... my iPhone reception sucks more than the ratings for The Two Coreys"


"For the last time, I am not going to go as a turd for Halloween" 


"Dressing like an angel this year so I can touch everyone's kids hearts"


"My rally was still bigger than Jon Stewart's rally, just ask my husband"

Alrighty, you caught me on the last one. Glenn Beck is dead, but only on the inside.  Have a great Halloween everyone, just don't trust the white rabbit.

Monday, October 25, 2010

5 Places I should be able to drink a beer (or 7)

This weekend was a complete eye opener for me.  Not only did I get a gold medal in flip cup. (which they do make by the way) My mind was opened to the idea that I should be able to display my Olympic-style skills everywhere.  This is a problem for most places because of these crazy alcohol laws. These keep me from drinking in a lot of places that I feel that my humanly rights should grant me.  Well, if I was a politician I would push America towards its well earned progressive state and make these following places completely legal to get plastered.

The Grocery Store

Probably the most obvious one on the list.  Lots of businesses (esp Vegas Casinos) know that you are far more likely to buy things when you're sloshed than being sober.  Those guys make millions and millions of dollars every year because of you're stupid drunk decisions.  Its evident to me that if I was staggering around a grocery store with a beer ***That I bought there*** I would be buying almost everything in sight.  
"Captain Morgan and Captain Crunch are ready for mutiny!"   

-Doing your shopping without knowing it
-Meeting girls at the Grocery Store would be a different ballgame
-Riding around in shopping carts would be fun again

-Buying lots of unnecessary items
-Vomit in the aisles
-Sleeping in a shopping cart is not comfortable

The Gym

I get a lot of criticism for this one, but you really need to look at the facts here.  How many times has a Friday Night come up and if you're not interested in going to the bar you aren't sure where to go??? (For me lots, probably because I've been kicked out of that bar.)  So why not go to the gym? Here you can do fun drunk activities with your friends, check out girls working out and throw that muscular guy who smells like taint into the pool.  Imagine the drinking games, you could play here while losing the calories that you just drank.  
"Who needs Spin Class when you always feel like you're spinning?"

-Telling people you're at the gym 5 days a week
-Personal Training would involve shots of Tequila
-Dressing up to go out is now shorts and a new t-shirt.

-Accidentally signed up for a yoga class
-Pissing off a lot of people bigger than you
-Dehydration and possibly death


I'm all about trying to find God (or whichever religion you're into) but do you really need to do this sober.  Most of the time I end up finding the people I wanna see most completely tanked ***Sorry about the drunk dials mom*** Last time I was at church they pulled a 180 on me by giving me a sip of wine and some cracker.  When I asked for a glass and some more crackers, I was given dirty looks and hit on the ass with a ruler (which I liked).  Isn't Sunday supposed to be a day of rest anyways? Let's give a toast to our gods and watch some football afterwards! 
"I bet Jesus would have some really cool bar tricks up his sleeve" 

-Going to church just became mandatory for the family
-God is now your hommie
-Singing songs becomes instantly more fun

-Urinating in the Holy Water
-Sleeping in church just became much easier
-If you're too belligerent, people think you've been possessed by the devil


I truly think that this is possibly the worst place in the history of the world. I meet the worst smelling people stand in the longest lines and there is not a single reason they can't play play some sort of music in this place.  The only possible way I can think of to make this place better would be to allow me the simple pleasure of getting sloshed enough to forget that I was ever here.  
"DMV - Does Make (Me) Vomit"

-Speech is slurred enough to get a Handicapped Tag
-Crazy persons' advice makes sense
-Your license picture is Awesome!

-Failed Driving Test 8 Times 
-Does Not mask the smell
-Still standing in the wrong line

Hometown Buffet 

Flipping from the worst, we now move on to the best.  Seriously, what is better than a Hometown Buffet.  Miles of all the food you can eat and anything you can think of on the menu.  Anything, except my buddy Samuel Adams. Why is he not invited to this party?? Can you think of anything more amazing than an all you can eat, all you can drink extravaganza?? Is this what heaven is? Because heaven is about 8 and a half minutes from my house.
"MMMMMmmmm, Just like my mom never made!"

-Never needing anything again
-Vomiting is welcome
-Best date restaurant EVER!

-Never able to leave
-The cutest girl you meet weighs in at 235

Oh well, maybe someday right? Can't we all have a dream? Martin Luther King did!  
Did I miss anything??? Let me know below. Or feel free to follow me on Twitter @IbizaMitch 

Monday, October 18, 2010

VIPing At The Scream Awards!

Was most recently invited by Amanda (whose last name won't be revealed) to the Scream Awards this year at the Greek Theater! 

Probably the coolest award show, and the only one I'd really be interested in going to see.  Not because I'm really into scary movies but for the fact that they ask everyone to go in Costume.  And instead of walking around begging for candy it was a drunken mess of everyone falling down and asking where the VIP area was. Very Excellent but one of the most Hollywood things I've ever seen. 

This was just the line for cocaine.

 Throwing together a costume quickly can be a pain in the ass.  But a quick trip to the 99cent store and some eye makeup (which I promise isn't mine) made it easy to throw together an Alex from A Clockwork Orange. 
Ladies, please stop drooling on your computer.

The rest of the entourage decided on pretty easy costumes as well.  Simply put, we decided to go about an hour and a half before leaving.

 The one in the middle is Sarah Palin, duh!

Since we knew we'd be in line for a while we'd figured we'd spice things up with this new flavor of Gatorade called Merlot

  The G stands for Gettin' Drunk

After waiting for about an hour in line we were escorted into the theater towards some really crappy seats.  Since I'm a Baldwin and couldn't settle for sitting with the rest of the commoners the Entourage and myself made our way to the VIP section where not only the seats way better but we also found an open bar!

  This drink was called a Blood Banger. 

While at the bar began talking to Jocelyn James, who may sound familiar because she was the porn star that Tiger Woods was hooking up with for a while.  To be honest I felt like Tiger could have done a little better, but could definitely understand how he ended up in that hazard. Also, briefly spoke to one of the stars of Piranha 3D and explained, that she could finally be taken seriously as an actress. 

Afterward, we made our way to the seats that were rightfully stolen by us. 


The show got off to a pretty good start and was opened by Halle Berry! Who came out wearing some kind of gold dress. I wasn't exactly sure why she was there until she went onstage with no makeup. 
 They did a huge ode to the movie Inception, to also open the show and Christopher Nolan made an appearance.
 There is no top point
The show took a huge turn in the right direction when they had Marilyn Manson take the stage.  He came out talking about something, but to be honest no one was listening because he had just set a girl on fire. 

I like mine medium rare

It was at this point in the show when the girl next to me, being the drunk Hollywood girl she was decided that she needed to be on camera.  Batgirl "to whom she will be called" did everything in her Bat Crazy Powers to get the attention of the cameramen.  Did this actually work?? Yes, yes it did.

 look ma, I'm batshit crazy!
Sigourney Weaver also made an appearance out of an Alien egg and talked about Avatar with James Cameron.
I wonder who else was in that egg
The biggest and in my opinion "the best" part of the show was the reunion of Christopher Lloyd and Michael J Fox on stage for the 25th Anniversary of Back to the Future! One of my favorite movies of all time! The two looked great and you could still pick up on the chemistry the two have together. 
 I tried to hide in the trunk
All in all it was a great awards show.  It was definitely a celebrity hub and they incorporated a lot of non-horror movies but it was definitely worth going to.  

My advice: Grab a Gatorade Merlot and make the most out of your day, who knows, you may end up in the VIP section with a crazy ass Batgirl!!



Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Things to give the Homeless (other than currency)

Living in Southern California, there are lots of things to see:  Palm Trees, Bikinis, Anorexia, etc. All this is great! Its amazing what this city has to offer.  But there is one thing I noticed a long time ago that seems to be everywhere... and that is the Homeless population in Los Angeles.  You can't turn a single corner in the city area without having someone asking you for a banknote. 

Now I understand this and its not that I have a whole lot but, when I see it all the time it becomes annoying, especially if you did decide to give someone some change or money and being asked literally 1 min later. 

Since I am a problem-solver and don't own a handgun, I've decided to come up with some solutions to this problem and help people out nation wide by providing my list: THINGS TO GIVE THE HOMELESS (OTHER THAN CURRENCY) 

 1. Fist Bumps

Watching people walk past the homeless on a day to day basis not to even acknowledge them is a little saddening.  C'mon guys they are people too.  Want to brighten a homeless person's day? Walk by and give them a fist bump.  
Although this may feel natural for you, especially if you've been fist bumping homeless people all day, this is not a good idea.  Do you really want to put your hand on the hand of someone who has been playing with his balls for hours in the sun?? I didn't think so.

  2. Advice
This is a pretty apparent thing that the Homeless need. Obviously they could use some sound advice, and personally,  I feel like I'm the one that can deliver that.  For example:

"With the Holiday season approaching I think it would be smart to invest in Apple, with prices only at 298.42 a share you can guarantee that it is only going to go up.  You wanna make some real money? Add this to your Portfolio."

  3. Boxes/Shopping Carts
Here's where some thinking comes in.  What are the two things that most people in America are paying for??? Your house and car! Well the homeless have these at their disposal and for the low cost of walking to WAL-MART. To be honest they are getting a much better deal because these are free and everywhere. 

This cart gets much better mileage than my KIA 

 4. Old Halloween Costumes
Again, being asked over and over again for money gets tiring on a daily basis.  I realize though that, helping people can be fun and rewarding.  Instead of giving the homeless a Washington or Lincoln I realized it would be much better to dress them like Washington or Lincoln.  I'm way more likely to give a Chuck Norris character some change than if you're wearing a blanket.  At least poke some holes in that thing and pretend you're a ghost. Its time to get creative people. 

 5. My Ex-Girlfriend's Phone Number
This is the thing that I've given to the homeless most often.  Its a simple thing, and you bet you're ass they're thankful for it.  I figure, she sleeps with everything anyway, why not the homeless in the community?    
Number also available in the bathroom at TGI Fridays!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Ways to become Ghetto!

So I was thinking to myself the other day.  If I wanna become really cool and get the ladies the best thing for myself to do would be to become ghetto.

Firstly you're probably thinking to yourself he's white, and looks like a pansy. 

Well F*CK you! I'm ghetto, and I just took your wallet and your woman!

As you can see this is already going very well for me.  So to share this amazing way of life I put together this short list of things that, you too can do to become as badass as myself. 

  1. If anyone looks you in the eyes you call them out on it, verbally and physically.
  2. Own the movie "Menace 2 Society" and/or "Friday"
  3. Incorporate hoodies into every look for you
  4. Never go swimming (hanging out by a pool is ok, but only at night)
  5. Your biggest hero is The Rock.  The Crack Rock that is.
Listen, now that you're truly ghetto you'll never get skipped over in line at the Olive Garden especially if you can clearly see that you're next on list.  Their motto is: "When you're here you're family." My motto is "When I'm here, I'm packing heat" 

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Well Hello There

Welcome to my new blog.  If you are reading this then you will be excited to know that this will be updated weekly or more so.  This blog contains the happenings of a guy with big dreams and a new way of thinking and looking at the world.  My name is Mitch Baldwin and I am 25 years old living in Hollywood, CA.  I am currently working on several projects so this will give you some insight as to which one will hopefully make it to the eyes of the rest of America. 

Firstly I am the head producer of an awesome show so titled the Naughty Show here in Hollywood.  Its an awesome mix of pornstars, comedians, audience interaction, sketches, and videos, with a little Improv and dildo thrown in there this is the coolest show by far that has ever seen the streets of Hollywood.  Check it out:

Currently I have also dipped my hand in writing.  I have written comedy for a while but mostly in the form of sketch comedy.  I am currently working on an amazing TV pilot.  Its a sort of travel show that features a bunch of fun characters that is coming together much better than planned.
In case you wanna see who I'm working with check this out.

Also have jumped into the UCB most recently and have had a blast training with these guys and learning everything I can.  Its an amazing school which teaches people the true craft of being funny at any moment. 

Anyways you are sure to get rants, raves, drugs, reviews, and whatnot on this blog.  I thought I'd share it with the world and put my stuff here.