Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Rating E-Dating!

Welcome back to the party everyone! 

Here at Ice Cream for Breakfast we understand that each of us is looking for that special someone. Someone to laugh with, send naked pictures to on your phone, and get the occasional HJ in the back of Wal-Mart. That is why I am here to help. 

I myself was tired of picking up the same girls at the Taco Truck 4 nights a week.  So I decided to move to the one place in the world I could find members of the opposite sex more desperate than myself.  THE INTERNET 

It was here I found an entire new world of people looking for the same thing I was.... BUT.. the internet can be a scary place and if you don't know what you're looking for, you can end up in the middle of a bukkake circle faster than you can say "Slime Time!"  This is why I've crafted this handy guide to internet dating to make things easier for each of you to figure out how to meet that hottie or disfigured person you've been searching for.   

According to their website eHarmony.com accounts for 5% of all marriages in the United States. What they failed to present was how many of those marriages are actually happy and what percent of those marriages end up on Maury.  My favorite part of this site is the personality test that they make everyone take upon signing up for this gamble.  If you do not pass the personality test then they send you to other dating websites. Really eHarmony?? "What's not to love about a 36 year old that has a blood fetish and lives in an abandoned frat house?" 

What you'll get:
A Jewish Girl

Hope you're looking to spend more money after signing up for this site, you know she is.  Sure she looks nice and cute, but behind those beady little eyes lies a girl ready to take every last dime you have.  
"Sign that Prenup"

 Hey man, can you pass that girl over here?? 420dating.com is the only dating site linking dope fiends together on a daily basis.  Sound's like a dream right out of a Cheech and Chong Movie right? Possibly, but think about taking this girl on that dream date.  How much are you gonna spend on a girl that's got the munchies? (don't hurt yourself trying to calculate this!) Yeah, so after you're 5th course or so, you may want to make sure you sell some of that pot you once had to pay for that check.

What you'll get:
A Stoner Girl
Probably not the hottest looking girls you can meet, but at least they have have a personality or an eighth on them.  The only problem is her remembering she has a date and actually showing up.
 "Now where did I put my car keys?" 

 They have been playing commercials for this site like crazy, the new rage in America is the Cougar.  Thanks Ashton Kutcher for starting this trend and possibly owning this website.  Remember how much fun hanging out at grandma's house was when you were a kid? Now you can do that all the time and actually hook up on that couch that's covered in plastic.  If you're lucky you may end up in the inheritance, and learn all the stuff you missed in history class while you were sleeping. 

What you'll get:
 An older girl woman

With years of experience, there's got to be something right about an older woman.  STD's weren't invented until the early 80's, so you're safe there.  Just remember you may be hooking up on her death bed. 
"Can wrinkle cream also be used as lube?"

What the fuck are you doing looking for love on Craigslist?? Craigslist is typically utilized to find jobs, cars, antiques, etc.  Oh well, I guess love can be found almost anywhere. (except a hole in a restroom stall) They do have a small personals section though. which includes.. rants and raves, misc romance, and casual encounters.  This is a free service where people are as honest and open as they want to be.  

What you'll get:
Asian Prositute

Finally, what I was really looking for the entire time scrolling through these dating sites.  She may not speak a word of English but she knows when to leave in the morning.  Just the type of love my Dad told me about when I was a kid.  
"Found the apartment and girl of my dreams, all on one website" 

Were there any sites I missed?? Let me know, leave your comments below and feel free to follow me on Twitter: @IbizaMitch

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